If it's to be, it's up to ME!

Photo via flickr.

This post is just some thoughts for me to make me accountable. So read if you like. Skip if you wish!

I watched a movie last night and it really made me ponder my own life and how it is much like the girls in the movie. I have struggled with weight issues since I was little. My mom always over fed my brother and I for the simple fact that when she was growing up, there were 8 kids and my grandfather was an alcoholic who always spent all his money on beer and never on food. She went hungry more than she ever had food available to her. She even got deathly ill one time from eating a piece of chicken that someone had thrown away and she found. She worked hard to make sure us kids never ever went to bed hungry. In fact, she still always pushes food to my kids and nephews. She doesn't ever want anyone to feel the pain of going without needed nourishment. It's just her way!

I know she never intended this to cause pain to me, but it has. I ate when she offered to please her and to not waste, as there were so many doing without. I know that I am an adult now and I have the option of eating and I don't blame my mother for my fatness. I just think it wouldn't have been such an issue if I had started life with different eating habits. Again, it is not my intention to imply it is my mom's fault, because it is my own fault.

I was ALWAYS the "fat kid" of the class and was made fun of so very much during my life. It still hurts to think of some of the things I endured while in school. I wished so very much for acceptance as the beautiful person I knew I was inside and for friends who were not afraid to have a friend like me. I was so shy and standoffish because of the fear of rejection. I was never proud of anything I accomplished because I didn't want any kind of recognition that would draw attention to myself. I was walking through life with an inner hatred of myself that was heavily influenced by the constant ridicule and snide remarks that I faced.

I then turned to food as my comfort. It made me feel good for that short moment that I indulged in it. After word I never felt good, which then led to more self pity eating. I had(have) no self esteem and finally hid behind my own comfort zone. I didn't want to go anywhere because of fear of being made fun of.

I finally decided I didn't like being locked away and afraid to do things because of my size. I was missing out on so much in life. I wasn't living. I started trying to lose weight, but without help or support, I failed miserably. But I kept trying. I kept getting out and doing the things I loved and I got over some of my issues. I was still heavy but was a little more confident. I found a friend who was battling issues herself with weight. Hers were with gaining weight. She was terribly skinny and she still struggles with her weight today also. Her and I are still best friends and without her, I don't think I would have survived high school. I did lose some weight. But have gained it all back. I know I am heavy and am finally ready to try and make a lifestyle change. I don't like who I am and know that I would feel so much better about myself if I would drop all the excess weight. My heart hurts for my kids because I don't ever want them to go through what I had to. I don't want them to be made fun of because their mom is fat. I don't want them to hide in shame because they are embarrassed by me. I want them to be confident and walk with their head up, I want them to know they are beautiful and handsome and carry themselves as such. I don't want them to be conceited or go over board by any means. But I don't want them to ever be shameful. As my mother did me, I want them to have a better life than I did. I want the world for them. And to give them that, I need to be more healthy and confident. I am vowing to change myself. Even through baby steps I know I can do it. So today I truly start living.

This is my confession and acceptance of my problem. I will reflect on it and the emotion behind it when I need help to carry on and change myself for the better. If you are still reading, thank you.